*Draft
Script for HH4*
Episode
2 – Gold Fever
[Opening shots
of Pellew being rowed out to the Atropos and getting a full Admiral’s
welcome. The entire crew are
present. Pellew accompanies Hornblower
to the Captain’s quarters below decks]
Pellew: Good
gad, man is this space all you get?
Hornblower: It
is standard on a fifth-rated ship, sir.
Pellew: Well,
yes, but this is *you* we’re talking about.
I’ll just have to get you promoted again double quick. Which brings us nicely to this week’s
storyline. Some time ago a ship
containing a number of British navy pay chests sank off the coast of
Turkey. Since the navy’s only competent
captain - me- was needed elsewhere, there was no effort made to recover them at
the time. However we’ve now decided to
make another effort to recover them, and, there is, of course, only one man
currently on the post-captain’s list whom we’d consider making use of for a
secret mission.
Hornblower:
And who would that be, sir?
Pellew: Really, Hornblower, all this modesty is
getting beyond a joke. You will sail
for Turkey as soon as I’ve managed to supply you with the expert overseas
divers specially imported from a remote island. You’ll have to make your own arrangements for the fact that
they’re cannibals. [Hornblower looks
alarmed] No, no just my joke. Do try and enjoy a bit of a break while
you’re there. You’ve been looking very
peaky lately. [Hornblower looks blank]
* * *
[On the deck of the Atropos. Hornblower bounds over to Bush and slaps him on the back.]
Hornblower: We
sail for Turkey, William. And may I say
how glad I am to have you along!
Bush: Look,
sir, would it be possible to cut down on the general effusiveness?
Hornblower: I
know it’s not according to Forester, but the fans seem to like it.
Bush: That’s
my point. You know it doesn’t take much
to set the slash writers off.
Hornblower:
Oh, well if you put it that way... actually would you mind standing a
bit further away?
* * *
[Captain’s cabin on the Atropos. Bush enters.]
Bush: Sorry,
sir, it’s time for the Obligatory Crew Crisis.
Hornblower:
Oh. Well it was too much to hope
we’d get away with it two weeks running.
What is it? [Bush speaks in a low tone.
Hornblower looks startled]
Hornblower: Really?
Send him in.
[Two marines escort a man in. It is Matthews. ]
Hornblower: Is
this true, Matthews?
Matthews: Yes,
sir.
Hornblower:
You were found drunk and dancing in a public fountain whilst singing an
obscene song about King George, the Prime Minister and a baboon?
Matthews: Yes,
sir.
Hornblower:
Wearing a sarong?
Matthews: Yes,
sir. I’m don’t know what came over me,
sir.
Bush: Sounds
like a severe case of departure from character in the interests of an angst
ridden plot line. Happens to the best
of us.
Hornblower:
[without emotion] Keel haul this
man.
* * *
[For reasons of budget and insurance the actual keel
hauling isn’t shown. Instead we get a
lot of shots of Hornblower looking stone-faced. Finally, a dripping Matthews is dropped on the deck.]
Matthews:
[wheezing] I’m very sorry,
sir. [Hornblower stalks off]
Styles:
Blimey.
Bush: Now, Styles, you know it’s not really his
fault. Every now and then Grieves and
Benson get these ‘back to canon’ fits and remember in the books he’s supposed
to be famous for not showing his feelings.
Don’t worry, Matthews, you know it’ll all have been forgotten by the
next scene. [{And indeed it is}]
* * *
[Atropos arrives off the coast of Turkey. Hornblower introduces himself to the local
Head Honcho. The wreck is located. There are a lot of scenes involving
diving. At one point something
mysteriously goes wrong making it necessary for Hornblower to take his shirt
off and dive overboard. {Well, it had
to happen. Feel free to insert own
drooling here} Paychests are brought up.
Hornblower accepts invitation to dinner from Head Honcho and departs
with a boat crew that includes Matthews]
Head Honcho: I
continue to regret you did not wish to pay more for our hospitality, Captain.
Hornblower: My
duty to the navy would not allow it.
[{He can be a bit of a prig sometimes can’t he?}]
Head Honcho:
The reason I regret it is you obliged me to accept a better offer.
[Man in French uniform enters, Matthews dives under
the table]
Hornblower:
Er...should I know you?
Frenchman:
Naturally, I am Colonel De Vergesse whom you met during your period as a
prisoner-of-war in Spain [{Yes, I know
we remember this, but he has to explain for the benefit of new viewers}]
Hornblower: Of
course. Every episode needs to
reintroduce at least one old character.
De Vergesse:
[confidentially] As a matter-of-fact they wanted Edrington but Sam West
would only do it if they promised not to kill him off. [reverting to business] Order your ship to surrender,
Captain.
Hornblower:
Never.
De Vergesse:
Then tomorrow my ship will attack yours and your men will die.
Hornblower: My
ship will be long gone by then, Colonel.
[He kicks Matthews under the table.
Matthews makes a hasty get-away]
* * *
[The deck of the Atropos. Mathews is explaining matters]
Matthews: I’m
sure he meant you to take the ship and leave at once, sir.
Bush: I’m sure
he did, but what’s that got to do with anything? Get Styles and anyone else
with a speaking part and put together a rescue party.
Matthews: What
about the ship, sir?
Bush: What
about it? Nothing’s going to happen
while all the important characters are away, it never does.
* * *
[Rescue party sets out. There is a dramatic, but extremely confusing, night-time sequence
with a lot of running around. Rescue is
successfully accomplished.]
Hornblower:
How dare you? You should have
sailed at once! The safety of the ship
must always come first!
Bush: Be
reasonable, sir. What else could we
do? You’re the only character who is
not allowed to be killed off under any circumstances.
Hornblower.
Oh, all right. Just don’t do it
again. Not in this episode anyway.
* * *
[They return to the ship. Atropos hastily sets sail.
Several days pass]
Hornblower: We
will reach Malta within the day.
Styles: [To
Matthews] No sign of the Froggie ship yet.
Do you think we’ve got away with it?
Matthews:
Doubt it. They’d never end the
episode that way.
Styles: ‘Ere
look! Boat ahoy!
[In fact it is not a boat but an Admiral’s barge,
bearing Sir Edward Pellew, who is inevitably welcomed aboard.]
Hornblower:
[Trying not to look horrified by the sudden appearance of his
boss.] This is an unexpected pleasure,
sir.
Pellew: Well,
my flagship was in Malta for repairs, and I decided to have a quick row out and
see if there was any sign of you yet.
[Sentimental look] I worry about
you when you’re away you know.
[Hornblower looks blank]
Styles [to Matthews] He’s doomed.
Matthews: You
think so?
Styles:
Definitely. Contrived and
ill-explained appearance, can only be in the interests of killing him off. Bet you a guinea.
Matthews:
Gambling’s against regulations.
Styles: I
won’t tell if you won’t.
Matthews:
Done.
Styles: Sir
Edward has been.
Another seaman:
SHIP AHOY!
[Naturally it is De Vergesse’s ship. Battle ensues. Officers shout ‘Fiyah’ a lot.
A lot of people without names get killed. De Vergesse’s ship blows up.
A lot of splinters fly about.
One of them land directly in Pellew’s chest.]
All: OH MY GOD
THEY’VE KILLED PELLEW!!!
Hornblower:
[Kneeling beside Pellew] Sir!
Pellew: I’m
done for!
Hornblower:
How can this be? The real Pellew
lived until 1833.
Pellew: Thing
is, Robert Lindsay really didn’t want to do this series. Said it was enough having to make one series
of ‘My Family’ per year, without Pellew being used as walking sentiment. He would only agree if they promised him a
death scene. Now, where was I? [declaims]
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...
Hornblower: I
think you’ve got the wrong speech, sir.
Pellew: You’re
right, as ever. Wretched
scriptwriters. [Dies]
Hornblower:
Oh, captain, my captain!
[All remove hats.
{Well, that can only be an improvement, can’t it?} Matthews silently hands Styles a guinea]
* * *
[Atropos approaches Portsmouth. There is a flag draped coffin on the deck
{for the benefit of any viewers with short memories}]
Bush: Another successful mission to report, sir. The Admiralty will be pleased.
Hornblower:
Another successful mission, yes.
But at what cost?
Bush: Well, I
believe the budget for this episode-
Hornblower:
That’s not what I meant!
* * *
[Portsmouth.
Hornblower is making his report to Admiral ‘Dreadnought’ Foster {rushed
in at the last moment after the makers realised they needed a senior officer
for the rounding off scene}]
Foster:
Mission successfully accomplished, I see, Hornblower.
Hornblower:
Thank you, sir.
Foster: Shame
about Admiral Pellew, though.
Hornblower:
Who, sir?
Foster:
Pellew. Man who got killed on
your quarterdeck.
Hornblower:
Oh, *that* Pellew. I’d
forgotten.
Foster: I
can’t help thinking you were a bit overly reckless on this mission,
Hornblower. [{Well, it’s been a while
since we had a departure from character}]
However you were successful, and as a reward you will have a bigger ship
in the next series.
Hornblower:
Well, that’s the important thing, isn’t it, sir?
* * *
[Outside Foster’s HQ.
Bush is waiting]
Hornblower:
Well, that went all right.
Bush: Glad to
hear it, sir. Oh, by the way, have you
been home yet?
Hornblower:
Bother. I knew there was
something I’d forgotten.
[Credits
roll]