*The
Bureau of Complaints*
[An office with a large desk. A sign over it says ‘Fanfic Bureau of Complaints’. Enter Archie.]
Archie: I wish to make a complaint!
Receptionist: What about?
Archie: Persistent and uncalled for abuse by fanfiction writers! Have you any idea how much torture, rape, capture and general trauma they put me through? I don’t mind so much when they stick to canon suffering, but when they branch out on their own who is the person the Evil Villain™ always chooses to victimise? Muggins, that’s who! You can’t tell me that’s fair!
Receptionist: I believe the explanation is that it gives you a chance to show your inner strengths. Or was it that you look pretty when you suffer?
Archie: I could show my inner strengths some other way. How about giving me a command? Or letting me rescue Horatio? Horatio never gets put through ghastly torments. I could comfort him ever so well, too. But no, I always have to be the victim. This is blatant stereotyping!
[Enter Horatio]
Horatio: I wish to second that complaint!
Archie: You do?
Horatio: Certainly. It isn’t at all fair that you are always the one subjected to unspeakable depravities. Why should you have all the fun?
Archie: Horatio, I always knew you were a masochist at heart.
Horatio: I look pretty when I suffer too! Why is it the Predatory Pervert™ never fancies me?
Archie: Sawyer fancied you.
Horatio: You made that up.
Archie: Did not. Why did you think he was always picking on you? You and Wellard. He obviously liked brunettes.
Horatio: Still that’s canon.
Archie: You’re right, it doesn’t count.
[Enter Bush]
Bush: I wish to make a complaint!
Receptionist: If it’s about Horatio sleeping with other men –
Bush: There you go again! That’s exactly what I’m complaining about. Why do so many people assume I have a hopeless crush on a man who is repeatedly rotten to me?
Horatio: Hang on!
Bush: Do shut up a minute, sir. I want to know why the writers will keep on turning me into an emotional lame-brain? Why can’t I be in love with someone who’s actually nice to me? Or just have lots of wild no-strings sex?
Receptionist: Because Forester wrote you as a devoted subordinate.
Bush: Professionally devoted. Professionally. It doesn’t mean I have to be a masochist in my personal life, does it? All we know about my personal life is that I didn’t talk about it to Captain Miserable here and can you blame me? I could be keeping a harem on the side. I could be having affairs with the entire wardrooms of HMS Victory, HMS Bellerophon and HMS Pinafore for all anybody knows.
Horatio: I’d like to second that complaint.
Bush: You would?!
Horatio: Certainly. There’s only room for one masochist on this show!
[Enter Maria]
Maria: You think you’ve got problems, William. At least you do get to sleep with other people. I have to be the loyal little wifey. For that matter I hardly ever get any sex even with my own husband.
Receptionist: Well, we’re sorry about that, but you know the majority of ficcers in this fandom are either slashers or Mary Sue writers.
Maria: This is blatant sex discrimation! I want to be a Wicked Woman™. I want threesomes! I want to wear leather!
[Enter Edrington]
Edrington: I wish to make a complaint!
Receptionist: Not another one.
Bush: What do you have to complain about?
Edrington: Why does everybody write me as a sex maniac? Is there any canon evidence for that? Not a shred! But does anybody ever write me as entirely devoted to my collections of poetry and rare fish? Do I ever get portrayed as being interested in the monastic life? No, they’re all convinced I’m bedding everyone and everything! And they can’t decide what my first name is!
Horatio: I thought it was ‘My lord’.
Archie: Oh, never mind that now. Horatio here wishes to be subjected to unspeakable depravities. You did say you had a dungeon, didn’t you?
Edrington: Hmmm, I’ll have to check my schedule.
Maria: Don’t forget you’re booked up with Kitty and me all next week.
[Enter Buckland]
Buckland: I wish to make a complaint!
Receptionist: What is it this time?
Buckland: I never get any! Handsome officers never lust over me! No Mary Sues ever swoon at my feet! Is this fair? Am I not as attractive as any man on the show?
Receptionist: Erm, I think I’ll need to take this one up with the supervisor.
End!